


As the world caves in

by trying_to_spell_both_our_names_at_once



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Blood and Gore, Bombs, Character Death, Gen, Graphic Violence, Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Toby Smith | Tubbo, Hurt TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), I just wanted to use it to mirror Tommy and Tubbos dynamic a bit, Nihachu and Wilbur friendship, Not a Happy Story, Nuclear Weapons, Serious Injuries, TommyInnit Angst (Video Blogging RPF), Villain Niki | Nihachu, and be safe when reading any story!!, but its totally platonic guys, genuinely this is not a happy story please be aware of that, it's mentioned a lot in her perspective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-12 08:14:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29007378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trying_to_spell_both_our_names_at_once/pseuds/trying_to_spell_both_our_names_at_once
Summary: Everything hurt so much and so little at the same time. His nerves were completely shocked, overloaded with the sheer amount of damage he had suffered through. He thinks he makes it less than ten feet before he’s falling again, landing in the soft snow and staring up at the leaves.He needs to move. He needs to know if Niki’s okay. He hopes she got far enough away from the blast when she left earlier. She doesn’t deserve to die alone.He really doesn’t want to die alone....Tommy's life ends much sooner than he wanted it to, and Niki is forced to face many harsh truths when her and Jack's plan works out.
Relationships: Niki | Nihachu & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 110
Kudos: 1191
Collections: Jester's Collection





	As the world caves in

**Author's Note:**

> This is very depressing. I wrote it at like, 3 am which seems to be the time that I write most of my most depressing things lol. But anyways! Here's a very sad idea for the whole Niki and Jack plan to blow Tommy up with a nuke thing. It is nowhere close to an accurate description of a nuclear explosion and I am fully aware of that, I just don't care. 
> 
> Also, it's important to note that I really do love Niki, even if she's very much a villain in this. It's also my first time writing her so that was fun I guess. Anyways, hope you enjoy!!

Tommy thinks he needs to start talking to Niki again. 

She had been acting weird lately, and he knows she was pissed at him for the whole blowing up the community house thing even though it totally wasn’t his fault, and he was still a bit mad about her lighting the L’Mantree on fire. But all that could be put in the past. 

Tommy was tired of being mad about things that had already happened. He was tired of holding grudges when new days were to come. 

He had new things planned, big plans for a big man. His hotel was well on its way and it was looking stunning. Sam really was a talented builder. And Tommy was excited for it. Finally, a place free of loyalties, where there could be no betrayals at all. Tommy could just relax, scam some people, and live out his life. He would let Tubbo be the hero for the next little bit. His whole Snowchester thing sounded cool, and Tommy always stopped to listen to Tubbo ramble about it whenever they hung out. 

Speaking of that, he should go see Tubbo after this. Tommy wanted to tell him about the hotel, he was thinking of reserving a room specifically for Tubbo, right next to his own. That way whenever Tubbo needed it he always had a place right beside Tommy to go. And Tommy would even give him a discounted price for it. 

Either way, Tommy was walking with Niki and he found himself enjoying it. The woman had been fidgety ever since she asked for his help, and normally Tommy was very against any and all manual labor, but she had insisted and Tommy had missed her, just the tiniest of bits. 

He missed when she would let him come help out in her bakery, not even complaining when he stole extra slices of cake. He misses when she would give him the warmest hugs that he would pretend to hate. He misses when she would come to visit Wilbur and make a point to stay and talk to him too. He misses being her friend. 

He hopes that maybe they could be again. 

“So,” Tommy said, feeling a bit awkward with all the silence. He was never one for long pauses. Niki tensed a bit at his voice, turning to look at him with a guarded expression. He fumbles a bit; he was never one for small talk if he was being honest. “Uh, why’d you burn the tree?” 

That was possibly the stupidest thing he could have asked. God, way to go fuck up any chance you got at being her friend again. And she was finally acting sort of nice to you! She asked you to go out with her to gather supplies for her new bakery! And you ask this dumb shit? He could kick himself. 

Niki looked away. Tommy’s opening his mouth to apologize when she speaks again, her voice soft. 

“I was angry,” She pauses. “And Dream, well Dream manipulated me into it.”

Tommy almost stops walking. He hadn’t been expecting that. Niki had barely mentioned a thing about Dream in the past little bit, let alone implied that he was messing with her head as well. 

But it wasn’t unheard of. Dream fucked him up pretty good. And Tommy knows that Ranboo had been manipulated by him too, Dream using the hybrids bad memory against it. Dream was a fucking asshole, and it wasn’t a stretch to think that he had gotten to Niki too. 

“Oh,” Tommy said, trying not to sound alarmed by that. He wants to ask more, wants to know how far Dream pushed her, wants to know exactly what that man did so he could go and make extra sure he never got out of that stupid prison. But he also knew that there were somethings better left unquestioned. “I’m sorry. Dream- Dream fucked me up pretty good as well. I know how much that sucks.” 

Niki paused for a moment before continuing, turning her face away from him so he couldn’t see it. He looks steadily ahead, letting her have that sense of privacy. They walk in silence for a while longer. Tommy grows a bit restless. How far away was this place? Niki had said it was a specific spot that was far away, and that’s why she wanted someone with her so she could carry more stuff in one trip. But this was a bit ridiculous. 

He can’t stop thinking about what Niki said. Dream had messed with her too. Tommy, well Tommy thought he was the only one. Other than Ranboo of course, but Ranboo was off in the arctic, so it wasn’t like Tommy could really talk it out with him. Tubbo understood a little bit, but Dream had mostly left him alone. Dream hadn’t thought Tubbo was important enough to manipulate. 

Tommy’s glad that Tubbo didn’t go through that, but his anger still flares at the memory of Dream yelling at Tubbo, at him deeming Tommy’s best friend so useless when in reality Tubbo was the only thing holding everything together.

Either way, Tommy had always felt a bit alone about the whole thing. But Niki seemed to understand. Dream had gotten her too. And it sucked feeling alone, it really did. Tommy was out of exile now, but sometimes it was more alienating being back around people and knowing that you went through something none of them did. Something none of them would ever understand. 

He didn’t feel as alone now. He wanted Niki to feel that way too. 

“I know it’s not my place to say, and that I kind of really suck with the whole emotional shit,” Tommy started, clearing his throat awkwardly. “But uh, I get it you know? Dream was a dick, and he hurt a lot of people. But I get the whole manipulation thing, all the like, PTSD that comes from it. And you don’t have to tell me anything of course, but I’m here if you ever do need to you know?”

Niki had turned to look at him, an unreadable expression on her face. Tommy keeps talking even if he should probably shut up. 

“And it’s really good to know that someone else understands,” Tommy admits, shrugging. “I mean no one else, no one else seems to get how it fucks with your brain. But you do, don’t you? You get it. You always seemed to get it Niki, that’s what I love about you.” 

“Tommy,” Niki sighed, but Tommy kept talking. It was a curse.

“You don’t need to say anything!” He insists. “Trust me, I’m the first person to know that talking about it sucks. But I’m just saying that if you ever need anything, someone to talk to, someone to hang out with, I’m here. I get, um, I get nightmares a lot you know? From the whole thing, so I’m up pretty much all night. The Tommyinnit door is always open and ready for business.”

Niki was staring at him, having come to a stop. Her mouth hung open slightly, like she was trying to find words but couldn’t. Did he break her? He hopes he didn’t break her. He was just trying to be nice. 

“You don’t have to of course,” He ends awkwardly. “It's just an offer. I know you’re, still kind of mad at me which is perfectly fine, sorry for fucking so much shit up, and I’m not very good at the whole serious talk thing, but I’ll do my best. Scouts honor.” 

He holds up three fingers, prompting an eye roll from the girl. 

“You’re not a scout,” She said, seeming to shake something from her shoulders before walking forwards again, a determined look on her face. He scrambled to catch up with her. 

“How much further anyways?” He asks, glad to change the subject. He really was shit at the whole talking thing, and thinking about Dream still made him feel all jittery and bad inside. 

“Not much longer,” Niki said reassuringly. It wasn’t very reassuring for some reason. She sounded very emotionless. He brushed it off. He had already poked and prodded her enough when it came to shit in the head. 

It was a bit cold now, they had reached a snowy biome, and Tommy was genuinely starting to wonder where the hell they were going. Up ahead he saw a large cobblestone tower, with what looked like a dead fish pinned to it. 

“What the fuck is that?” Tommy asked, going closer, staring at it with narrowed eyes. Was this where Niki wanted him to go? 

He turns back to the girl, who was fidgeting slightly, wringing her hands and staring at something in the distance. He couldn’t see what. 

“I just need to go get some things from a storage unit I built a little while away,” Niki said hesitantly. “You stay here okay? I’ll be right back.”

“Oh, okay!” He said, watching as she turned and practically ran away from where he stood. That was odd to say the least. She had been acting strange since he brought up the whole Dream thing. He felt a bit guilty over that. He knew he hadn’t wanted to talk about it much. But it was too late now. He could only hope that she wasn’t too upset and maybe she would even take him up on his offer.

He looked back at the structure. It really was weird. But even though it was cobblestone it could only hold his attention for a little bit. 

Niki should be back by now. He’s starting to get a bit worried. There shouldn’t’ be any mobs out in the middle of the day, but there was always a possibility of a zombie or skeleton hiding in the shade of a tree waiting for an unsuspecting person to attack. Niki could handle herself of course, she had proven herself more than capable, but he still worried. And even if he wasn’t, he was starting to get bored.

He was just starting to wander back to find her when the explosion hit. 

Within moments everything went white as he was launched backwards, the shockwave from the explosion sending him flying into a tree, a horrid sounding snap ringing around him. 

He crumpled to the ground in a haze of pain, ears ringing and pain hitting him full force. For a second he was back in front of Dream, explosions ringing in his ears as he stared at that stupid smiling mask. He blinked and he was back. He could feel something broken inside of him, the creaking of bones. When he looked down at his legs he could see a white bone sticking through it. A laugh bubbles out of his mouth. 

What the hell happened? Distantly, he remembers Tubbo talking about nukes. Shit. Had Niki accidentally led them to the testing site? Where was she? Was she okay? 

Panic overfilled him as he stumbled to his feet. Everything hurt so much and a sob was torn out of his throat with every movement. Looking down, he could see that most of his skin had burnt away, the sick smell of it infecting his nose. There was a gash through his stomach that stained his entire shirt red. He couldn’t feel it. Everything felt numb. 

He lifted a hand to it, feeling the warmth of the blood soaking into his skin. He felt like throwing up. He pressed harder to it, his entire world tilting and spinning as he started stumbling through the woods. 

He couldn’t move much. Every step sent mind-numbing pain shooting up his leg, and he couldn’t put any weight on it without collapsing. So he was practically hopping around, using the trees as support. His other hand pressed tightly against his stomach, and he was distantly aware that he was practically holding his own organs inside of himself at this point. 

Everything hurt so much and so little at the same time. His nerves were completely shocked, overloaded with the sheer amount of damage he had suffered through. He thinks he makes it less than ten feet before he’s falling again, landing in the soft snow and staring up at the leaves. 

He needs to move. He needs to know if Niki’s okay. She doesn’t deserve to die alone. 

He really doesn’t want to die alone. 

He lets out a sob, tears racing down his face as everything swirled in and out of his vision, colors blending and shifting together. This was it wasn’t it? 

It wasn’t fair. 

He had so much he wanted to do. He had finally just learned how to want to live again! He had finally found a purpose! He wanted to build the hotel, wanted to keep doing those stupid tasks for Sam, wanted to fix all the mistakes he had made in the past. He finally wanted to live, and then he gets blown to shreds. 

So many other opportunities he had to die in explosions. The first few times L’Manburg blew up, his exile, doomsday. He had survived so many explosions, only to die by ones set off by his best friend. He thinks it might be ironic. He’s having trouble thinking. 

He hopes Niki is okay, he really does. She deserved to heal, to live a good life. He thinks that maybe he does too. He doesn’t think that matters in the grand scheme of things. 

He doesn’t want to die alone. But staring up at the leaves and feeling the cold of the snow and numbness set in, he thinks he might. God, would Tubbo ever find his body? Does Tommy even want him to?

His stomach was numb, and Tommy can’t feel his legs anymore. Everything’s spinning and it's becoming a struggle to keep his eyes open. 

“Tommy?” A voice calls from behind him and he sluggishly turns his head to the side, seeing Niki standing a couple feet away. Everything’s blurry at this point, but he struggles to sit up and get to her. He doesn’t move far. Maybe an inch before he loses control of himself. 

“Niki,” He calls out, his voice pathetic and weak. The girl stumbles towards him. “Are you okay? Did it- did it get you too? I tried, I tried to get to you but I couldn’t do it. Are you okay?”

“Oh my god Tommy,” Niki whispered, and she was standing above him staring down at her. He smiles at her weakly. She’s okay. He can’t see any blood or injuries. She must have been far away. 

“You’re okay,” He whispers. “Thank god.”

Niki falls to her knees beside him, swallowing thickly. She looks sad. She looks a bit proud. He can’t think about either of those very long. 

He reaches out a hand to grab her, tugging her closer. She moves almost without thinking about it, coming closer and leaning over him. 

“How bad is it?” He asks, almost afraid for the answer. He knows he’s a dead man. That much is clear. Half his intestines are exposed and he’s bleeding out faster than he can think. Niki just stares at him. “That bad eh? Don’t be afraid to sugar coat it.” 

“Tommy,” She says, and her voice breaks slightly. He reached up, grabbing her hand and squeezing it tightly. 

“It’s okay,” He whispers. “You’re here. I’m not alone. I thought- I thought I was going to die alone. I don’t want to die Niki.” 

“Tommy,” She says again, like if she says it enough she can go back in time. Tears are rolling down her cheeks. 

“I’m scared,” He admits, a laugh bubbling out of him. It sounds more like a sob. It sends flaring pain down his stomach and he chokes, blood coating his lips as he coughs. Distantly he can hear Niki shushing him, one of her hands running through his hair. It’s nice. It’s really nice. He thinks he might go to sleep. But he can’t yet, he still had so much to say. 

He still has so much to live for. 

“Niki, I need you to tell Tubbo,” He cuts himself off with a violent cough that sends rippling pain so intense it makes him scream. It tampers off into a sob as he squeezes his eyes shut, his nerves afire with the pain of it all. “Tell Tubbo that I’m sorry- that I wish I could have grown old with him.” 

He sobbing at this point, out of fear and pain. He can’t help it, tears racing down his cheeks, his blood the only thing warming him at this point. 

“I’ll tell him,” She says, her voice shaky. 

“Thank you,” He whispers. “Tell him that I- that I love him too. He needs to know that. I love him and I’m sorry that I can’t grow up with him anymore. Look after him okay? Isn’t, isn’t his fault. ‘kay? Wasn’t his fault. Tell ‘im I love him. Please Niki.”

“I will, I promise you Tommy,” She says, and her fingers are still running through his hair. It feels nice. He feels the pull of sleep start to take hold. “I’m so sorry.” 

He doesn’t know what she’s apologizing for. It doesn’t matter anyways. 

“I don’t want to die,” He chokes out, more blood spilling out of his lips. His eyes are pulling downwards. Everything seems to faint. He’s so scared. “I don’t- I finally wanted to live again. This isn’t fair! I wanted to- I wanted to grow old. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to- please don’t go. Stay with me, stay with me while I go.” 

He doesn’t hear her response, the ringing in his ears are too loud. Everything’s getting really faint. It’s really hard to hold on. All his other deaths were so quick, and this is almost torture with how slow it is. He doesn’t have much time to think about it much more. 

He hopes Sam still finishes the hotel. He hopes people go and stay there when they need to. He hopes Tubbo lives a long happy life. He hopes Tubbo will be okay without him. He hopes for a lot of things. 

His eyes finally slip shut, and the last thing he remembers is the feeling of Niki’s fingers running through his hair.

__________________________________

Niki had planned long and hard for this moment. She thought she had it under control. 

Things first went downhill when Tommy asked about that stupid tree. She had wanted to spit in his face, to tell him the truth about the anger and rage that was always in her stomach, but she knew she couldn’t. Not when they were so close to getting what she wanted. If she pushed Tommy away then, he would have run away and she would never get him to the site. 

So she lied. She knew that he had an issue with Dream, everyone knew that, and Niki knew he was a fairly easy scapegoat to use. So she did. 

What she wasn’t expecting was for the word vomit to fall out of Tommy’s mouth as he stuttered over his words, gently offering her support and a shoulder to lean on. 

A part of her wanted to scream, wanted to lash out and yell at him about how he caused just as many problems as Dream, that he was in no place to offer her support when he had pushed her aside in favor of creating chaos and starting wars. 

A smaller part of her, the part that remembered Tommy as a young kid who followed Wilbur around and always complimented her baking, wanted to cry at the words. At how nervous Tommy seemed, the way he refused to meet her eyes when talking about how he knew the damages Dream had caused. It screamed at her to look at him properly, to listen to the way he casually talked about his nightmares and PTSD. 

She pushed that part away and kept walking. She had planned this for weeks; she couldn’t go having moral crisis just because Tommy did one semi-nice thing to her. She couldn’t even count it as nice because she wasn’t manipulated by Dream in the first place, so it was an empty offer. 

There was a pit growing in her stomach the closer she got to the site. She just shook herself off and took a deep breath. This was what Jack and her prepared for. This was everything they wanted. With Dream locked away and Tommy gone, maybe everything could be good again. Maybe she could heal. 

They got to the site. Tommy immediately went to inspect the tower, thankfully not noticing anything strange. 

This was it. This was the last time she would hopefully see Tommy alive. The last tyrant they needed to get rid of. 

Somehow, she found herself hesitating. Tommy stood there, hand raised to touch the cobblestone, his lanky limbs completely relaxed. He trusted her. Maybe that was his first mistake. Maybe her first mistake was trusting him. 

“I just need to go get some things from a storage unit I built a little while away,” Niki said hesitantly, swallowing hard. Tommy turned to her with wide eyes. “You stay here okay? I’ll be right back.”

“Oh, okay!” He said cheerfully, smiling at her before turning back around. Niki turned and ran as fast as she could as soon as she was out of sight, stumbling over the path to get out of the range. When she deemed herself far enough she ducked behind a tree, covering her head and counting down the seconds to go.

She heard the boom, heard a cut off scream, and then nothing more. 

She stays there for a couple of minutes, her breathing labored as the air around her stilled and then settled. She counted down exactly five minutes with her eyes squeezed shut and her heart pounding. 

Then she stood up, her legs and hands shaking for some reason. She should be happy. Instead, her chest felt tight. 

She had to go make sure he was dead. She had to make sure everything went to plan. 

Her steps were rushed and awkward, and she doesn’t know why her hands are shaking so much. All she can think of is the unguarded look on Tommy’s face, the offhand way he apologized for fucking up and promising to try and do better. All she could think of was him in her bakery, stealing the sweets she specifically left out for him to grab, laughing at him when he got flour everywhere. No. She had to stop thinking. 

She walks through the forest, taking in the slightly burning trees, the completely splintered and ruined remains around them. She gets to the tower, a hand pulling her shirt over her mouth. She can’t see Tommy anywhere. A morbid thought enters her mind, a picture of Tommy exploding into a million pieces. She shakes it off. 

Turning to the side, she can see an indent in the snow, and a lot of blood following a trail of footprints. 

Her blood runs cold. It was supposed to be a quick death. Tommy was supposed to die as soon as the nuke hit. She swallows thickly, following the trail. It didn’t go far, maybe only ten to twenty feet. 

She can see Tommy collapsed onto the ground, and she almost pukes at the sight. Tommy looked horrible. 

Half of his skin was completely charred black, flaking off in bloody strips. His leg was completely snapped in half, the white bone poking through the skin, the pant leg completely covered in blood. His stomach was practically ripped open, Tommy’s hand pressed pathetically onto it as if that would do anything to help stop the blood flow. There were gashes around all his skin, and there wasn’t a piece of him that wasn’t bloody or burned. 

“Tommy?” She asked, her voice shaking. His head moves to look at her. Holy shit. He’s still alive. He was supposed to be dead; it was supposed to be a quick death. 

“Niki?” He asks, his voice shot and shaking, soft sobs falling from his lips. He struggles to move, his head lifting up only an inch before falling back down, his hand raised out towards her. It was shaking. She takes a stumbling step towards him. “Are you okay? Did it- did it get you too? I tried, I tried to get to you but I couldn’t do it. Are you okay?” 

Something inside her snaps at the words. Tommy was hanging onto life, clinging onto it desperately because he wanted to make sure she was alive, he wanted to make sure she was safe. Her, the person who brought him here to kill him. She was meant to feel vindicated; she was supposed to feel free. But this? This felt like someone was taking a meat cleaver and slicing her in half. 

“Oh my god Tommy,” She whispered, standing above him. The stench of burning flesh and the iron scent of blood clogged her nose. The only place free from blood and burnt skin was his face, where tear tracks cleared the liquid away. He smiled shakily at her, as if trying to reassure her.

“You’re okay,” He whispers, his voice broken. “Thank god.” 

Niki falls to her knees beside him, conflicted emotions stirring inside her. Tommy looked like a kid. He was a kid. He was sixteen years old and dying out in front of her and all he could talk about was how glad he was that she was okay and alive. Guilt choked her throat. His shaking hand reached for her, grabbing her hand and weakly tugging forwards. She lets him, getting closer. 

She can give him comfort before he goes. It shouldn’t be much longer. A part of her knows she should stand up and turn away, tell Tommy that she meant for this to happen just for the satisfaction of seeing the hurt in his eyes. But it felt useless at this point. She felt sick. 

“How bad is it?” He whispers, and she can’t reply. He must know how bad it was. Half of his insides were not where they were supposed to be. “That bad eh? Don’t be afraid to sugar coat it.”

“Tommy,” She says, and her voice breaks. His hand is moving towards hers again, squeezing it in support. Like it was Niki who needed comfort at this moment. Maybe she did. 

“It’s okay, you’re here” He whispered, a small smile pulling at his lips. His voice was getting weaker. “I’m not alone. I thought- I thought I was going to die alone. I don’t want to die Niki.”

Something breaks inside her again at the broken words, the fear that she could see behind his eyes. 

“Tommy,” She whispers again, wishing she could get anything else out. She can’t. She’s crying now, tears running down her cheeks. He looks so young like this, covered in blood and his blue eyes bright with tears and fear. 

“I’m scared,” He whispered, a broken laugh ripping from his mouth. His eyes are suddenly squeezing shut, his head leaning back as a small whine broke past his lips, followed by a harsh cough that sent blood spilling from his lips, as if he was choking on it as thickly as she was choking on her guilt. 

“It’s okay Tommy,” She whispers, a hand reaching out to gently brush through his hair. She remembers Wilbur doing that when he was still alive and Tommy was upset. Sure enough, Tommy leaned into it as he continued his coughing fit. “It’s alright Tommy.” 

She wonders if he can tell how bad she’s shaking, how much she wants to scream. How could she do this? It seemed so justified an hour ago, but now? Staring at this child with his stomach ripped open and clearly in pain, whose first instinct was to make sure she was okay? Now she wasn’t sure. This was supposed to make her feel better. 

“Niki, I need you to tell Tubbo,” He cuts himself off with another shaking cough. It seems to hurt more than the others as a mangled scream rips from him, the hand holding hers squeezing so tight she thinks it might bruise. It doesn’t matter, she continues to shush him, hand running through his hair. It was more red than blonde. “Tell Tubbo that I’m sorry- that I wish I could have grown old with him.” 

Niki didn’t think this could hurt any more. Somehow it does. God, Tommy was just a child. Tubbo was just a child. And she had sentenced one to death, and the other to the guilt of killing his best friend. She wasn’t that old either, only three years older than Tommy. She doesn’t want to think of what would happen if the roles were reversed. 

If it was Wilbur who sent off that bomb, killing her at sixteen. He would have drowned in guilt. If it was her who sent that bomb to kill Wilbur. Just the thought makes her sick. Tommy is sobbing openly now, broken noises ripping from his mangled throat. 

“I’ll tell him,” She promises. They planned to tell Tubbo nothing. To go along with the idea that Tommy ran off. She doesn’t think she can anymore. Not after seeing the blatant relief that rushed over Tommy’s face at her words.

“Thank you,” He says, his entire body relaxing slightly. She knew it wouldn’t be much longer. “Tell him that I- that I love him too. He needs to know that. I love him and I’m sorry I can’t grow up with him anymore. Look after him okay? Isn’t- it isn’t his fault. ‘kay? Wasn’t his fault. Tell ‘im I love him. Please Niki.” 

His words are slurring now, growing weaker and weaker with every second. It won’t be long before they stop. She wishes she could do something to prevent it. She can’t. She can’t take this back, not in a million years. All she can do is provide him comfort in his last moments. 

“I will, I promise you Tommy,” She says, forcing her voice not to shake. She fails. “I’m so sorry.” 

It will never be enough. She doesn’t even think she’s fully sorry. There’s still a piece of her that thinks this is for the better. She doesn’t know how to feel. All she knows is that a child is dying in front of her and she’ll do anything to ease even a little bit of that pain. It was supposed to be a quick death. 

“I don’t want to die, I don’t- I finally wanted to live again,” He’s talking faster now, blood almost obscuring his words. He knows his times almost up too, and his eyes are alight with fear. “This isn’t fair!” He’s practically screaming now, tears racing out of his eyes faster than before. 

Niki chokes on a sob. It wasn’t fair. Nothing about this was fair. She was supposed to feel better at seeing him dead. She never thought she would have to hold him as he died, to hear his fear and see firsthand just how young he was. 

“I wanted to- I wanted to grow old. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to- please don’t go. Stay with me, stay with me while I go,” He’s begging her, his other bloody hand coming up to grasp weakly onto her shirt, as if trying to hold her in place. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” She promises, as he blinks, his breathing coming out labored. She can feel his grip starting to go limp. “It’s okay Tommy. You can stop holding on now. Go to sleep. It's okay.” 

She keeps running her fingers through his hair, even as his grip goes limp in her hand, even as his eyes go glassy, staring up at nothing. She keeps running her fingers through the blood-soaked hair, choking on sobs as she holds the broken body of a sixteen-year-old. 

She isn’t sure how long she sits there. She thinks it isn’t long. Everything feels kind of numb as she stares down into his dead eyes. 

She remembers a kid who used to run behind his brother, asking her a million questions and refusing to leave them alone. She remembers a kid who stayed as Wilbur’s right-hand man in their country, who grinned as he rallied up those around him. She remembers the kid who clung to Tubbo’s bedside in Pogtopia, who refused to eat or sleep until she forced him. Who clung to her as he sobbed. She remembers a boy who refused to stop causing problems, who taunted people with a smile and a twinkle in his eyes. She remembers his broke gaze on doomsday, the way she delighted in it. She remembers his fumbling offers of support just an hour ago. 

She cries for that boy, the boy with endless energy who never knew how to shut up. The boy who picked her flowers and then refused to admit he had. She cries for the boy she had killed in anger, lashing out and hoping it would make her feel better. She feels worse. 

She carefully reaches her hand down and closes his dull blue eyes. He looks peaceful in death. She takes off her jacket, carefully wrapping it around his torso before leaning down and picking him up. 

The plan was to bury him here, where no one would find him. It felt cruel to now, to let him rot in the ground where none of his friends could get to him, where no one could mourn. She stumbles back along the path, making the long walk home. Her communicator pinged, and she knows it’s Jack, asking if everything went to plan. She can’t bring herself to look at it. 

She’s numb as she walks along, her heart almost stopping once she gets to Snowchester. Tommy is heavy in her arms. She is shaking. She sees Jack and Tubbo in the distance, she sees Tubbo lift up his hand to wave, a bright smile on his face before he sees the blood, the body in her arms. 

He’s running over to them, Jack behind him, and she wishes she could see his eyes. She can see the confusion on his face, and knows that she’s ruining their plans. She can’t help it. She doesn't really care anymore.

She falls to her knees, gently putting Tommy onto the ground. Her jacket covers the worst of it, and she had stopped halfway through the walk to rest and use the snow to wipe off a lot of the blood. Tommy was still very clearly dead. 

“No,” Tubbo whispered as he got closer, his eyes widening as he stumbled back, a hand covering his mouth as tears formed in his eyes. “No, no, Tommy!” 

He’s falling to his knees, hand reaching out to cup his dead best friends’ cheek. 

“I’m so sorry,” She whispered. For a minute she thinks of telling him the truth, but she can’t. She knows she deserves the anger and the hate, but the words won’t come out of her mouth properly. “I didn’t know, we were gathering supplies and I left him for only a few minutes. I was too late to do anything. I’m so sorry Tubbo.” 

“Tommy,” Tubbo lets out a sob, shaking Tommy’s cold shoulders. “No, this isn’t, this can’t-” 

Jack is by his side, carefully pulling him away and into a hug. Tubbo falls into his arms, loud sobs shaking his chest. It hurts Niki almost as much as Tommy’s had. Jack is staring at her, non-verbally asking her what the hell happened. She can’t bring herself to do anything but stare blankly forwards, forcing herself to listen to Tubbo’s cries. 

She listens as Tubbo pleads to someone to bring Tommy back, to wake him up and tell him this was a dream. 

“I killed him,” Tubbo sobs, fists weakly slamming against Jack’s chest. “It’s my fault. It’s my fault!” 

“He was still alive when I got to him,” Niki’s talking again, and Tubbo turns to her, his face red and messy with tears. He looks so young as well. “He wanted me to tell you some things.” 

She’s choking again, remembers Tommy’s broken voice as he begged her to promise him that she would tell Tubbo. Remembering the fear and desperation in his pain-filled eyes. 

“He wanted to say sorry,” She sobs. “Sorry that he couldn’t grow old with you. That he loved you. He said that a lot. That it wasn’t your fault. That it isn’t your fault and he loves you so much.” 

Tubbo is sobbing again, ripping himself from Jack’s arms and collapsing onto Tommy’s body, hands gripping his bloody shirt and burying his head in Tommy’s neck, sobs racking his body as he clutched the corpse closer to him. 

“I’m so sorry Tommy,” Tubbo is sobbing, and Niki feels like she’s intruding on something. She knows she is. “I’m so sorry. I love you too. Please don’t, this isn’t happening. Please tell me this isn’t happening. You can’t be gone. We beat Dream, we were supposed to be safe. We were supposed to be happy. This isn't fair.” 

Niki stands up, turning around and fleeing the scene, unable to hold back her own sobs any longer, she collapses in the snow a little ways away, shaking as she brings her hands to her ears. 

This was supposed to be good. It was supposed to make her feel better. It was supposed to fix things. But now she feels just empty. All she feels is the pain and guilt of holding onto a child’s body and knowing that she was the reason why he was dead. Killing Tommy was supposed to make her free. Now she just felt sick. 

She looks back up. There was a steady crowd around Tommy’s body now. Some of them comforting a still sobbing Tubbo, who she could still hear even from this far away. He was practically screaming in his grief, and the sounds will haunt her dreams. Others are just blankly staring down, shock and grief covering their own faces as they look at the dead child in front of them. 

And she’s the reason. This was all her idea, her and Jack that planned to murder a kid. He wasn’t much younger than her. What would Wilbur think of her? 

She wants to stop thinking. She wants to stop existing. This was supposed to make her feel better. 

It didn’t.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!! I really hope there are no mistakes, but I did write this at 3 am and only just quickly edited it when I woke up lol. I hope you guys are all having a good day/night!! <3


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